All I do is hurt people, and I hurt myself in turn.
And right now, on top of that. I’ve got some of the worse news I could get right now. My heart is hurting enough, and after that phone call, the pain just tripled. I don’t know what to do. And it hurts even more that I have to be alone right now. I can’t take it. I don’t want to give up, but I’m so close to just giving in. I seriously feel like taking my car, and driving it off that cliff…….
Only to have them leave me, sooner or later.. I’m afraid of investing myself to the wrong person.
Crazy how something on Tumblr catches exactly how you feel, or in this case, felt. You’ve been the right person for a while now, and I still think so. But time will play it’s part, because I’ve already done these things and it’s too late to take it all back, nor do I want to. But I wasn’t scared to do them after love came into the picture, LOVE > FEAR. To me, you’re still Mr. Right, even though it’s not right now…
But it did. And four months ago, I wasn’t looking for love, but it came. It came in the form of a passionate, loving, genuine guy that swept me off my feet. People said that I was wrong to give you a shot, and they said I was wrong to give you the second one. But they didn’t see the guy that I saw. They didn’t see the things that I did & when they looked at you they didn’t see that guy that I saw. You changed for the better. You gave up the game for me. You made it that much easier to put myself in that vulnerable spot that I never wanted to put myself back in. I was completely broken when you found me, heart and all. But you slowly but surely gave me hope to love again. You, literally, were my sunshine after the Raen. Everyday you gave me new reason to love you, everyday you made it easier. You put every piece that was ripped, torn, broken and spat on from everyone in my past back together. And just as quickly as you put my heart back together, you shattered it in it’s entirety. But broken pieces and all, I still love you. And everyone would call me stupid, but I do. I can’t imagine losing you after all that we’ve been through. I haven’t counted you out just yet and I hope you can at least give me that same effort. You don’t give yourself enough credit, because you are such a great guy. A great guy I wouldn’t imagine living without. You do deserve to be happy, I just hope it’s happy with me. I know you may have broken your promises to me, but I hope that after last night, you love me enough to keep the ones we’ve made last night.
Four months ago I met the most amazing person I could have ever met. And they couldn’t have came at a more perfect time. I was down, depressed, heart broken, dreams shattered, tired, you name it, my life just sucked. And it’s funny how you meet millions of people, some will stay, some may go, a million people can try to make you feel better, but it just doesn’t work. Then you meet that one person, who just turns your world upside down, but in a completely good way. Someone who puts a smile on your face every single day, even if you fight. Someone who gives you hope, someone who gives you happiness. Everything just seems so perfect even in the worst situations. You’re just completely happy. And that’s how I felt. I was finally happy again. I could finally smile with out forcing it out. I could finally wake up, and have something to look forward to. And I have but one person to thank for that. Because I was so happy, I needed to share that with someone. And you just made it easy, you made it easy to love myself because you, yourself showed that love that I needed. You made it easy to accept myself because I needed to, for you, and for myself. Over the past four months I fell in love with a man who gave me hope, he gave me love, he gave me acceptance, but most of all, he gave me happiness. Happy that I finally found someone who wanted to give what I was looking for, and finally happy that I have come to terms with I was. No one can replace that. No one will. Jarett Tyler Eligio, I love you with all my heart. I hope that someday soon you find it in your heart to forgive but don’t forget, because remember this will only make us stronger. You have such a big heart, I would know. We’ve been through hell and back in such a short amount of time and we’ve always fought through it together, we always came out strong, and together. I’m Fa’atagi Palega Jr, III. and I love a guy named, Jarett Tyler Eligio, and you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. People can love it, people can hate, either way…. I’m in love, I’m happy and I’m going to fight for this guy until my heart stops beating….
Yours, Fa’atagi Palega 1.1.11
Love it, or hate it. Doesn’t matter, because I’m still going to love him…
You couldn’t have picked a better time to knock on my door, and I don’t think coincidence had anything to do with that. I’ve needed you lately, now more than ever. The past few days have been some of the hardest battles I’ve ever had to go through, with you, and with myself especially. Last night, I slept with your jacket in my arms because it was the last thing I had that still had your scent. It was the closest I could get to physically having you in my arms… until the past few hours, which literally felt like a movie. Everything just seemed so perfect. I sat there on my couch, alone thinking of you as I was wondering where you were and then the doorbell rings. Now you were the first and only person I wanted to be on the other side, but the last person I expected to be there. But as I slowly open the door, I see the most genuine, sweetest guy that I’ve never seen look so beautiful. I couldn’t help but let my whole guard down, and the tears just came dropping fast as ever. But just as fast, you push through the door and give the warmest, most loving embrace I’ve ever received. I didn’t want to let go, and as I began to hold tighter and tighter, it seemed like forever, and I could have stood there forever longer. Just as long as it meant holding you and having you hold me too. You give a little less, and look at me with that look of hurt, but still longing, and I know there’s love in those eyes as they stare at me wiping away my tears. And for a second, I almost forgot that we’re no longer technically together. It all felt surreal, and as we continue to the couch, I expect you to sit on one end, and I on the other, but you lay right next to me, and I move your head to my chest, and quickly but surely, it was if I fell in love yet again. It all felt so unreal, I didn’t know what to think, but I was just living in the moment because it all just felt so perfect. Just having you in my arms again, I didn’t even want to think about anything else. I ask you why you came and you reply with, “I know you needed to see me, and I’m still here for you. I’ll always be here.” and I know that I did, I didn’t need to see anyone in the world but you right now, and you gave me that. But I know that under all that pain and hurt, you really wanted to see me too. I know that somewhere in your heart, you missed me just as I missed you. And even though this time I just had was not a movie, it was the feeling that I had every time I had you in my arms, every time I held your hand, every time I kissed your lips, every time I gazed into your eyes. All so unreal, all the feelings of love. I know that it’s not a movie, but just like in movies, there’s always a resolution, and that… I’m still waiting for. But I know that somewhere along the line it will come. And with it… a happy ending.
Always, Fa’atagi Palega <1.1.11 <3>
From my private personal Tumblr, just wanted to let everyone know how much of a great guy this one is, he’s kind of perfect. You could only imagine why I don’t want to lose him…
My thoughts go out to you, my immortal beloved I can only live wholly with you or not at all - be calm my life, my all. Only by calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together. Oh continue to love me, never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
If I get another question about my sexuality, I swear....
I love people, when I look for a significant other, I look for qualities. Personality. Hobbies. Interests. Goals. Values. Swag. Sense of humor. Gender is the last thing I look for. And when I find a person worth pursuing, I go for it. And for the past four months, I have been, still trying. JT would have told you he was gay, but for me, I would’ve said, “I’m JT.” ;D
So uhh… get off my nuts. It’s not like it matters to you if I’ve already got my eye on the one. Happy?
p.s., Much love to @anthonymaralit, I love you bro. Thanks for having my back.
Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.
I’m making some changes, not only for me, but for us. But in order for things to get better between us, I must change for the better myself. So I’m finally taking this time to start doing it.
Over the past week my life has completely turned upside down, and now it’s time to make it better. I’ve accepted the good, and the bad, and now it’s time to make those changes so I can once again be happy. I’ve already started, and now is no time to stop. I’m doing this for you, but even more so, I’m doing it for myself. Because maybe then, in fixing myself, you’ll see that guy you fell in love with, and be willing to give him that chance again……
Beginning, middle and even the ends. But I don’t believe for a second that this is the end. Yeah, we all have our little fights, maybe often times over little things, but we always come back from them. With love in the equation, everything is possible. The start of my relationship with you was a little rocky, people told me not to be with you but I felt otherwise. They said you’d play me just like you did them, but I thought that if I stuck it out, if I showed you something different, that I’d be different. And at first, I was proven wrong, and you dropped me in a quickness. But I didn’t want to give up, I knew I was different, I knew you were different, I knew we were different. And after a few weeks of getting over it, and trying to get you back… I was right. You quit your game, and there was me. Only me. And I loved you for that, I still do. And now that it’s me on the other end of the table, I’m just hoping, wishing and praying that you’ll see that you’re different than anyone I’ve ever been with, anyone I’ve ever felt for, anyone I’ve ever loved. And I hope you still think the same about me. I know I screwed up, I take it. I suffocated you, I didn’t show you that I care. I showed you that I needed you, I showed you that I loved you, but very little have I been showing you how much I care about you the way that you show me and the way I showed you when we went through what we’ve had to go through. I know that at times it may seem that I’m not happy, but the truth is, just being with you gives me a smile. Hearing your voice just soothes me. Feeling your hand in mine shows me that I’m definitely not alone. Feeling your kisses shows me that someones willing to give love that I long for. I know that you need time to heal just like I did. You’re my heart, you’re my love, you’re my world, I’m not going to lose you, I just can’t. And no matter how much time you need, I’ll still be here waiting for you. I refuse to live a sad story, when I know that you’re the one for me. A chapter closed, but the books still open, give me a chance to rewrite our ending. Let’s put our pages back together, and give us another try… But like I said, I’m not going to push you, because that’s only going to push you away. But I’m not going to give up either. I’m not going to leave, because I can’t, you mean to much too me. But until you’re ready to pick that pen back up again and start writing this love story again, I promise I’ll still be waiting, because "I Still Feel It".
I just want to make you happy and put that smile back where it belongs, and if in the end, you decide that someone else makes you feel the way that I once did, at least I know you’ll be happy. And at least I can say I fought, and that I never gave up on you, because I don’t plan on it….
People, whether he's gay or straight, does it really matter to you? Your orientation is your orientation and his is his. Live your life and let him live his. He's what you call a real being feeling real emotions. Get off my brother.
I'll always love you. You are more than just one in a million for me, you're just the one.
I know that I words can’t fix everything, and I can only say so many of them. I will love you until my heart stops beating. And even though tears my be falling from my eyes right now, I know I’m not the only one hurting. I hurt you, and know it’s going to take time to heal from it. Even if it takes weeks, months or even years I’ll be here waiting because I can’t afford to lose you. You’ve been there for me more in the past four months than anyone ever has the past 18 years. We’ve had our downs, but I hope you remember the ups too. We’ve had our fights, but I want you to remember the times I made you smile. We may have shed a few tears, but I hope you find the laughter in our little inside jokes. The last thing I want to do is lose you, the last person I want to lose is you. You showed me that I could put myself back into that vulnerable place and love someone again. You showed me that even through the worst times, I can be happy. You showed me that no matter what, someone will always love me. You made me comfortable to be myself. You gave up so much for me, and I took it for granted. And now looks where that’s gotten me. You gave up your games, you basically gave up your whole life because it just became me. And I’m sorry, I can’t say it enough. I just hope that someday soon you’ll find it in your heart to put me back in it because you’ll always be in mine, and I’m not ready for you to leave that spot, not now, not any time soon. I love you JT, and I hope that you still feel it.
Cause I done eff’ed in love before I’ma be the one to take the back seat girl We can take our time and you can run this. Stay in, go out. Anything you want girl, we can do. Girl are we going down? I don’t know. But from here now, baby I’m gonna leave that up to you Gonna leave it up to you…